I don't understand...

Today is Heather's birthday. I sent her a text message this morning to just try and be nice and make some connection. She refused to answer or even acknowledge me.

I don't understand God. I don't know what you want from me. I have always wanted children. I always wanted to be a father, the kind of Dad that my father was to me. I have always wanted to raise a family of my very own but for some reason you never saw that fit. You never allowed me to have a child of my own.

I tried to work through that. I tried to say, OK, God wants me to be a father to some children that never had a father. It started off with Marie, her father never cared much about her, so I tried to raise her the best I could. That fell to pot when her mother left for someone else and she fed Marie full of lies about me.

Fast forward and God sent me a beautiful woman, one that I love and adore. And have done so for the last 14+ years. I couldn't ask for a better woman to me than my Lucy. I love her so much!

She came with a family, Heather 16, Lisa 12 and Tyler 3. I was so excited. I had a family that I wanted to love and enjoy. Children I could help raise and be a father too. None of them had really ever had a father. Heather and Lisa's dad gave them up for adoption, he didn't want them. He allowed Tyler's dad to adopt them. Well he didn't do any much better of a job than their real dad.

I came in and they were a handful. Heather was already a teenager, set in her ways. She didn't want or need a father at that time. Lisa, I believe, loved me and tried to accept me as her father. But in the long run, she too did not want a father. She wanted someone to love her, I tried, but she too rejected me.

Tyler was young, he accepted me as Dad. And I tried to raise him, but his father still had an influence in his life. I was, and still am, so jealous of their relationship. I just wanted a son of my own. Tyler and I have been on and off in our relationship, we have had bad times and good times. I hope that I set a good example for him. He has turned out to be an excellent young man and I am very proud of him. I hope that I had a small part in that.

Then their was Olivia, the child that we tried to adopt from Vietnam. We tried to adopt her after the girls left us and moved in with their grandparents. But Heather made sure to shut that down. She hated that we wanted to adopt a child, because she felt like that Lynn was never a mother to her, so why should she be a mother to anyone else.

I was heartbroken, my last chance to be a father to my very own child. It never happened. I still blame Heather for this when I think of it. It eats at my soul and I think, I just wanted someone to love.

Our relationship with Heather is on and off again. Most recently off. When her and Lynn get into a fight, we are off. Heather has two boys, William 9 and Jayson 4. I love and adore those boys.

From the time we brought him home from the hospital, Jayson took to being Poppa's buddy. I remember feeding him his bottle in the kitchen, giving him a bath in the sink. Teaching him to swim and helping him take his first steps. He is a fire cracker, and has always had a bond with Poppa. Just my little buddy that would follow me step for step wherever I went.

I even turned down great job, so I could continue to keep him during the week. He would help me work on the house, fix things, play 'choo-choo fix' and watch Marley and Me about 600 times. We had a little routine when he was here, and we loved it!! My life was complete and I was helping raise a child that I felt loved me back as much as I loved him.

Those sweet words: "Poppa, your my best friend!" will ring in my ears until the day that I die. My heart breaks, I love him so much!

Heather won't allow me to see him. He sent Mimi and Poppa a little cup today, decorated in silver ribbon and tape. What looks like trash, is a master piece to me.

God why have you never allowed me to have children of my own. I have so much love to give. So much knowledge to share. I know I have not always been the best Christian, but do I deserve this punishment.

You have taken away my Jayson, You have given me more than I can handle, and your word says that your would not do that. I miss him so much! It is tearing me and Mimi apart, it is tearing me and Tyler apart. It is tearing me and you apart God! I have resentment towards you, I blame myself, I blame Mimi, but most of all I blame you!

Please Lord, let my J-man know that Poppa loves him!! Please give me the faith to press on, give me the faith to believe that you will work this out. Give me the faith to believe that Jayson will not forget his Poppa!! I have not abandoned him, I would go running to him in a heartbeat if I was allowed.

Please Lord, help me make it through this, please bring my J-man back to me!

Jayson, I love you to the moon and back!
Your best friend,
Poppa

Out of your comfort zone...

So last night, I am reading in my bible study focusing on the story of Abram and Sarai. They were told by God to take every thing they own and all their family and pick up and move.

They were told to go to an unknown land. No end game, just to move. God wanted to see if they had the faith to trust Him and go where they were told.

So they did and eventually God renamed them as Abraham and Sarah and made them the parents to many nations. Because they trusted God.

So what is God telling you? So what is God telling me and Mimi? Do I have to give up everything and leave everything I know for God to bless me? Do I just need to pick up and move and go where He tells me? Do I have to give up my Grand-children to be closer to Him?

I would think that this was just a page in my bible study, but God had given me this story early this week at church, then again in my bible study. Coincidence?

Well this morning when I awoke, I did my devotion on my YouVersion Bible app. The same story was told in this devotion. The story of Abram and Sarai being taken out of their comfort zone and going where God told them.

Is God taking me out of my comfort zone? Does he want me to leave my safe place so I am closer to him?

More prayer on mine and Mimi's part hopefully will reveal the answer to us. I miss my boys so much, I don't want to leave and take the chance of never seeing them again, but I want to do God will. I must trust that he has a plan. An ultimate plan to heal my family and bring victory out of the storm.

Jayson and William, I love you to the moon and back! I pray God is with you and letting you know this.

Poppa

Focus...

During my bible study last night, it focused on what we should do, what we should worry about and what we should let God handle.

So if we stay focused on God, then He will handle all the small human-worldly things that really don't matter in the long run.

So staying focused on God is the goal. I believe and I prayed, along with Mimi, that if we would stay focused on God, then He will bring the boys back. He will mend relationships with Heather and allow us to see William and Jayson.

So what is focus on God? I believe that it is being completely and whole-heartedly focused on Him. That means, every decision I make, every thought, every emotion, every word I speak should be God centered. Before I do anything, I should ask the child like, What Would Jesus Do?

Mimi and I have been trying. We have been indulged in prayer and bible study. We fasted for 21 days from 5 pm to 5 am every day to start us off. We gave up social media and tried to replace that time with bible study and videos that are focused on God. It is a great start.

We still have a long path. I don't think that Heathers heart will change any time soon. I feel like she is completely hurt and broken. I feel like she never had a father figure, I came in too late in her life to make a difference. I hope I have made a difference in Tyler's life. He has turned out to be a good, honorable Christian young man. I am very proud of him.

My heart is broken, the only thing that I know to do is to turn to God. To give it completely over to him. To let God deal with the problems, while I build a relationship with him.

I miss my boys, Jayson and William!! Poppa loves you to the moon and back!!

Only God can bring them back to me, I will focus on him and pray for them!!
Poppa

I saw you today...

Jayson,

I saw you today! I saw your smiling face and heard your sweet voice say "Poppa!"

We went to the school today to watch Tyler's fashion show. I didn't know you would be there, I really didn't . I thought the show was only for High school and Tyler didn't have much information.

But I saw your class walk in, I couldn't see you at first, then I noticed your shy body language. You were by your teacher, in a black Bears t-shirt.

I was up behind you in the bleachers. I hollard and hollard for you, but you didn't hear me. You did notice Mimi who was standing on the other side. You waved at her and motioned for her to come to you.

I couldn't stand it anymore. So I went down the stairs and walked in front of you. You were still waving at Mimi when you noticed me. Your beautiful voice smiled and said "Poppa!"

Then you reached for me, I was so excited. But your teacher put your hands down and sent you to the other teacher. They made you ignore me. Then your other teacher ran you across the gym with you in tow to your mother. Heather had seen me and jerked you out of there immediately. She took you to sit down and she scolded you. You looked so sad!! I just wanted to cry.

Then she made it worse, she couldn't stand it any more. She got up and took you away! I didn't see you anymore.

Jayson, I am so sorry, I miss you so much!! Poppa loves you so much! I am so sorry that you have to suffer.

I love you to the moon and back J-man!!!
Poppa

Missing you...

Jayson,

Poppa loves you so much!! I cried for you tonight.

I had been doing my bible study and it was saying that when Hid doesn't answer our prayers that we should not be offended. I don't really understand this because u don't pray for worldly things. I have been praying for you and to be able to see you.

I have been praying that you don't forget Poppa! I have been praying that you remember how much I love you!! I miss you so much!!

Why would God not answer my prayer? Why would God not let me see you? My little man that brings me so much joy and that I love so much!! Why would God not answer that prayer, and when he doesn't how am I not supposed to be offended?

I need my little man to laugh with, I need your to make me smile. I need someone to build something with, I need a buddy to push in the swing. I want to get in the floor and play "choo-choo fix!" I need someone to say "wiener" a 100 times and laugh about it every time!!

I have not watched "Marley and Me" in so long I have almost forgotten what it is about.

Please God, I am begging you to fix this situation. Please God bring my Jayson back to me.

I love you to the moon and back!!
Poppa

Heather...

Heather,

Just wanted you to know that mother and I have been praying for you and us. For our relationship, I love you dearly and I am so sorry all of this happened.

 I miss seeing you and having supper with you and your family. My knees are weary from seeking God's face over all of this.

My heart breaks that I could not be the father you needed me to be. I am so sorry I let you down as a father. I wish I could have done better.

I love you and I am praying to see you soon.

Please tell Jayson and William I love them so very much.
Poppa

It's been so long...

My dearest Jayson and William,

It has been so long since I have seen you. I thought about you today. I had a picture pop up on my phone that had Jayson with his Superman socks on and he looked so happy. It made me smile and it made me cry at the same time.

I have prayed and prayed until my knees are worn and my tears are dry. I miss you guys so much. I just need a little boy to holler at me, "Poppa, nome here!!" I miss those words so much! I miss you guys so dearly.

I started back to work today for my work week. Although Mimi and I had a good weekend. It was not the same without you. We normally had you guys on Friday night and most of the day Saturday when we were off and we would eat a couple nights of the week with you when we were off. It is so hard, a piece of my heart is missing.

Mimi wrote you mommy a letter this week and we sent it to her via the mail. Did she get it? Did she tell you that we loved you to the moon and back like the letter asked?

I can't imagine what you think, do you think I have abandoned you? Do you think I don't love you any more? I could never stop loving you!! Please forgive me for being gone so long, your mommy won't let me see you.

I just need a hug and to hear your voice, I need to watch you play and smell your hair and see your smile.

I love you guys to the moon and back, please don't forget me!!

Poppa